Running myself into the ground.

I can’t fucking sleep ever.

I’m so annoyed I have to milk cows at 6am and I’m still up at 2:30am.

Third day in a  row and no naps or anything.

I just want sleep.

Fiat, oh such a small little tiddle wave of disappointment.

#NoLove

So since the fiat 500 came to Canada I think 2012 ? I’ve had a major crush on the car – I legitimately was convinced it was my dream car – and then the legendary Abarth came (haha)  and I was set in stone in love. Did you know you can fall out of love easy ? (like in about 3.5 seconds love turns into “WhatTheFuckk”) Mind you I only tried a 2012 fiat 500 sport I was majorly disappointed with it. It just didn’t do it for me, it didn’t I don’t know have the kick I had wanted or like give me the omg feeling, or the chills, or the over enjoyment/turn on/excitement I was looking for. That I know cars can give me. YEP I went there – so essentially this was just the sport model but I dont have the interest in trying the Abarth anymore because it’s like 30k and I can get a car at 6-10k that I can like a hell of a lot more.

Another thing is that besides the engine (abarth model compared to sport) nothing much changes it’s still small like the other fiat and uncomfortable inside. It is just overall “meh”. I don’t know how else to explain it to you guys it just didn’t feel like the one – I mean I like my crappy ass neon better than this new car! GASP I know it’s terrible isn’t it ?

Also after this wake up call of “I don’t actually love what I had convinced myself I was in love with all this time” It was a complete mindfuck I was mad at myself for not liking something that I had for so damn long.  I was really emotional (not crying and shit but mentally crying haha) it was just a disappointment.

on the upside :

See there is this Turbocharged SS Cobalt ❤ and I know I like it and I know I love it and I know it does so many things for me. Like I get overly happy about it, I dream about it, I think about it all the time (like imagining myself driving it :)) It’s like I have a crush on a car, I’m just hesitant to take the “step” plus it would be an only summer car.

Theres two I’m looking at one for 12k and one for 6k and there’s a huge difference between both.  And I don’t know how long I would do payments for and so on I really want to 1) test drive it then 2) figure my shit out and buy it 3) and make a choice summer or all season (which depends on which car actually 12k summer 6 k all season.

So I think I’m going to buy it – I’m not sure when but  at some point at time. I’m going to go test drive it soon.

I’m gonna continue saving my money.

I’m gonna stop buying restaurant (besides coffee) in attempts to bump up my savings 2k. I might go to a movie and a concert here and there but nothing to expensive. I really want to have my saving back up to 7k soon. And I want a nice car and to have cash to travel. Man I feel poor, I went down in money so quick(with duke getting sick and all and paying of 3k of debt) ! But I’m gonna back up there just as quick. 🙂 Watch me!

anyways peace

Mkay I may have over reacted, just maybe.

So Wednesday / Thursday-ish (the line is slightly blurry) I was basically in the mode of “fuck my life” and I had wrote a blog on EVERYTHING that was going wrong but then when  I hit posted my computer went craycray and essentially lost the whole blog (not even a  draft was saved) and being all frustrated and stuff I just said fuck it there’s better things to do then rewrite it (like nothingness).  But since I had written that other post I’ve had the best of luck, or just a multitude of good/great things happen to me.

And today here’s the list of awesomeness:

Ugh, I got a free riding lesson, a pair of boots and gloves for winter.

I got a HUGE mirror and plywood to finish my repairs in my porch and supper from my aunt.

I made 40$ selling an old phone that I was keeping around until I could sell.

I got a weekend full of work which means more cash.

I got to go to an awesome concert (Brad paisley) and meet a new dude – was supper fun !

My porch is fully fixed and well done.

I’m sure there were more things  but I can’t think of them but these were the best I could think of 🙂 But it’s weird how everything can be the worst and then it can be the best.

Tough times don’t last, tough people do. 😉

Peace

#winning

Is love blind ?

So on fb someone (mino) posted a photo of a pair of old no good boots that she was going to get rid of and I went forth and commented on there and another friend/cousin of hers commented (jed) and then we went forth with disputing on love. Not negatively but jokingly about love and blindness and so forth and I came out with this: 

“No but to be in love with some one or something you have to have an attraction to them and that attraction then turns into persuasion / relationship/ buying the shoes/ car /horse/ or anything it is- first an attraction a “hey look at that/those/her/him” and then from there on out it turns into love. I cant be in love with “blank” if I’m not attracted to “blank”. something draws me to it and that draw is attraction and that can even be applied to “mind sets – or how people think” like i can be attracted to a person not based on looks but based on their thinking process or views on the world or how they treat others. but the key line here is attractions draws which turns into something more.. thus being that love is not blind because you were first drawn to it/thing/item/him/her/ what him her thinks or does or says: so therefore what lead you to love was not the blindness but an clear view of something that triggered attraction in your brain/mind which open the doors to love.”

What do ya’ll think ? I’ve done plenty research on these topics because I want / had wanted to be a relationship psychologist and the biggest aspect in a relationship is love but anyways the prime idea here is that no love is not blind because you were drawn to the thing or person that you are in love with first. you were drawn through a primary sensory: seeing, hearing, tasting, touching ( I may have missed one ..) before it could lead to something else. (i.e. love)

Must say friends I’m pretty proud of myself for being this come-backy. usually I would have been like “no not true” but I actually used some knowledge.

exhausted

Why am I always Tired.

ugh.

i get about 7 hrs of sleep but it’s like after every work shift i just want to sleep for the rest of life.

😦

#SingleLife

Yea, this post isn’t going on FB either haha. That title is so 2014 actually.

As you may or may not know readers I was in a long-term on and off relationship that was before a friend ship. And it ended in august/ september ish there was no real END date it just kinda went down up down and then ended. But it was always like this, unhealthy never going anywheres-ness. We are friends now, which is manageable for the moment.

I mean for once in my life I can do things how and when I want to. I don’t have to just check in or clarify to anyone. BUT there’s also the whole being an extrovert and wanting to socialize or be with people aspect that becomes lonely because you’ve lost an array of people in your life but as you see it doesn’t have to be that way. When you’re a mature adult it doesn’t have to be this cut throat ending. Well maybe that’s because there was no cheating involved in which case I can’t fucking stand cheaters and if it were to happen to me I wouldn’t keep that person in my life at all. But this previous relationship – the person is a good person he’s just not “the one” I guess you can say in a lame way. But he has been a good friend and I feel like in some way he will be for a long while. but it does make the other friendships made through the relationships (aka his friends) a little awkward, in my own personal opinion but maybe that’s because I’m socially awkward ?

Some people LOVE being alone, Some DESPISE it. Well folks I’m that guy (actually I am a female I’m just using the term guy loosely) the one who is like WELP I’m alone what to do, eat ice cream? watch sad movies ? Walk my dog at night-time? (not that ANY of those were real life examples – I don’t even buy ice cream haha) But what to do, I’m a mix of introverted and extroverted, if that even makes sense – I like to be alone but hate it, I like being with people but the sometimes I hate it. *I actually do walk my dog at night for the most part a couple of times a week it is pretty nice no ones driving by or around, just us two walkin’.

Anyways so my solution was to no-doubtly buy a dog, which was a great idea and I don’t regret it at all (but it was unexpectedly costly good thing I had 4k in savings) Duke, he is seriously the new love of my life and of course I still love Dutchess too!

And as for the rest I’m just going with it, the flow of life; sleep, eat, work, school, dogs, bills, cleaning, fitness, and repeat. What else can you do ?

travel the world, fall in love with yourself, be happy, see things that are new and exciting everyday, new experiences these are the things I am aiming to do in the now and future as much as possible . If that means being forever alone except having my dogs then so be it because the only person who knows you the best, loves you more than anyone else and who is with you 24/7 365 for life is YOU- YOURSELF that’s all you got and the rest are interactions which come together to make your life experiences with others, mind you don’t mistake this for “I’m never ever dating ugh I hate men” That is not at all what I’m saying, I’m just going to do what I do best and if someone lines up and is well you know the obvious “attractive, and mentally stimulating and is a hard worker and wants to share some of these experiences and is in love and I am too” then that happens, but I’m not forcing anything, I’m not chasing, I’m not going after, I’m not going online dating, I’m not settling, I’m not going after 17 year olds ever again cause like ew haha, I’m not going to sleep around. I’m just not going to extremes to put myself out there but I am living and I feel like this will lead to things as life lets you. I do not believe in faith or everything will fall together I believe in doing something you love and finding someone along the way and this is applicable to meeting friends too.  Just gonna do what I do, how I do, when I do all those do’s. haha does that even make sense :p.

I feel like I’m putting too much effort into explaining myself haha I’m one of those complicated elaborated not simplified persons don’t get me wrong I’m not extreamly happy, because well right now all I can think of is my shitty car and my homework assignment which I’m avoiding and in turn writing about this complicated mess of love and life. But I am living and I am doing the things I love which adds up to happiness. Which compared to a couple of years ago I’m way happier right now than I was 5 years ago or even months ago. Which in the long run is what matters most right? WHAT is with this font.

Awkwardness, so essentially I’m just being me and where that leads me is unknown because you never know what happens in tomorrowland until you’re there. (ha 10 points for anyone who knows what I’m talking about in this sentence! it’s a multi meaning type of thing.)

I’m just going to stop this now.

Peace.

 

frustrated

irritated, annoyed, sad.
UGH.
Nothing ever works out for me.
This isn’t a pity party for me, like I’m totally okay with it – it’s just more or less an acceptance of what is that seems to be unchangeable.
So i got a newer neon (car- newer in terms of usage same year as other car) and now that makes two. A grey one and my nicer newer one that is black  (and has all the things I’ve always wanted such as sound system, racing peddles and well the  biggest factor is that’s it has a WING) lol for some reason I’ve always wanted a wing, I don’t know maybe it makes me go faster 🙂 clearly a joke. haha

But anywho my other neon was basically done, so i got this one and if anything broke I could essentially take it off the other car. But of course things are never that simple: when I went to get my winter tires put on and my oil change several issues with my new to me car popped up. This was Wednesday.

Previous before that Wednesday I got my sound system in and it lasted 20 minutes before my subs (both brand new) blew. I think what makes me the most mad is that it was just a fucking tease!!!! like seriously! 20 minutes, bitch please. UGH and the guy is being a douche and doesn’t want to exchange them.

And then my bosses dad hit my car this morning (friday)- which it’s not the hit that has me mad/sad it is the fact that I’m so frustrated – nothing ever works out.  Like I wish for once in my life I can have  something of quality  that lasts, and to fix the several problems plus the damages on my front bumper( and I can’t open my passenger door) and additional rust damages (that came with the car when purchased it) it just comes out to this ridiculous price that I seriously don’t even want to think about. Work wise 1k and body wise another 1k or more.

It’s like I keep getting cars and shit just keeps happening to them and the last two “problems” aren’t even my fault yet it still makes me look bad.

I have 3 solutions (none of which I am considering at the moment  because I have gone into this over whelming ignoring my problems and dealing with other life problems first set of mind and thus being school and work and fitness and bills.) ANYWAYS back to solutions.

#1) which is actually three options within this solution that I will have to choose from if I choose solution #1 and those being buying a new car. Within this solution I can choose to buy a cheaper second-hand new car around 10k, or go for my dream car at 23k (couple km’s on it, 2012/2013 model) or just go all out and buy a kia soul ev (electric so no gas, and I get a wack load of money back from the government 8k up to 10k if I make a charging station at my house). So yea this isn’t even a simple choice on its own it would involve thinking, budgeting, test drives, multiple car choices, I mean a car for 10K there’s so many too choose from. Then IF I were to choose from the two new ones I have to choose between what I REALLLLLLLLY WANNNNT verse What I kinda want to represent/ be a good person but still like it, it’s just there’s no good sound system or turbo 😦

#2) Get another beater( most likely another neon yet this one will have body work and a reconstructed engine) But I’m really meh about this because this person could have sold me this exact car months ago which would have helped me / saved me so much money and it is presumably money that I can use for a down payment on a new car.

#3) Take the time and take parts from my grey neon and put them on my black neon, then get the frame rebuilt then get complete body work done and a paint job done. This also in theory would be a couple thousand dollars that I could use for a down payment on a newer car. And also there’s no guarantee of what I take of the grey car will be in good shape and be able to go on the black car.

additional option of which I’m using right now, drive it until it really breaks down then drive the grey one until that breaks and then use all my saved money and buy a new car in a year or however long the two neons last in combined time. Because they both still drive and work for the most part. the things wrong with the black neon aren’t deadly (except the frame will be a problem after some winter time) and the grey neon is just slowly dying a horrible presetone leaking into the engine and alternator going kinda death.

 

I’m just so sad/mad/annoyed/irritated/unmotivated/unsure/angry/disappointed that this is what it is and I can’t make my mind up.

*face/palm*

peace.

 

 

October update

So I paid off all of my small debts

and 3000$ on my credit card (still 3444.73 left to go which I’ll do tomorrow)

And had enough to pay for my puppy Duke (600$) who got very near death sick (DONT TRUST BACK YARD BREEDERS!!!!)

After this I may be living pay check to pay check for a little why but I’ll be able to save up quickly knowing myself.

I want to be debt free by the end of October!

I did not make any side cash this week I’ve been pretty busy with an intense Dead End run and my poor little puppy.

Concerts

2014

Linkin Park- 30 seconds to mars – afi

Ile Sonic – iggy Azalea – Tiesto- Chainsmockers – Adventureclub

Osheaga- (major ones) : Awolnation – Skrillex –

Avenge Sevenfold

2012

LMFAO

Lights

2011 and older …

Avril Lavigne x 2

Hilary Duff

Sean paul – Karl Wolf

Lady Gaga

Yep- thats all of them i think lol.

What concerts have you been too ?

peace

 

 

 

October Woot

This is seriously one of my favorite seasons!

Love the atomosphere.

So I’d like to quickly blog about a few savings/bets goals i have for this month.

#1) being savings 500$ I want my TFSA at 7000$

#2) being pay off smaller debts (around 500$)

Yep yep and the rest of Carlas challenges I will be doing too 🙂

Have a great day y’all

peace